Sometimes I lay awake at night and I wonder why this thing we call love has to be so complicated. I wish I could just will the man I want into existance because it seems as if my luck is very questionalble.

It’s not that I don’t care for him and love him, it’s just that I don’t love him in that special way he wants me to. Not anymore. And if you’re wondering who I’m talking about, it’s my ex. He’s been an ex for a while now, over a year, but somehow he decided he wanted to work his way back into my life as if nothing had happened or changed. He disregarded me, how I would feel, and decided what he wanted he would have.

I wanted to fool myself into thinking, sure it could work out this time. It would be different. I could make myself feel that deep love for him again. But that wouldn’t be very fair to him or myself. I want more. I want to feel that deep passionate love that my psychology teacher told us about in class that one day. How she still gets excited when her husband gets home and she bounces to meet him at the door and vice versa. I want love like that cute old couple I met in the restaurant one afternoon who’d been married for fifty (yes, 50) years and still loved each other as if they had only fallen in love the day before. I deserve that, don’t I? Even if it means hurting someone else.

I really don’t want to hurt my ex, I just can’t go through it all again and I’ve made my decision to move forward with my life - without him and I’m okay with that. Hopefully one day I’ll meet the one.